Let me catch you up as I haven’t really written anything about the events of the past 3 months. You probably recall that I have been caring for my 15 yr old brother since the beginning of July 2013. Jake was absolutely called by God to live with me in Colorado… I honestly thought we would live there for the next 3+ years while Jake homeschooled and I volunteered with YWAM and worked to start the Midwife Training School. Jake gave me so much joy, purpose, and also a lot of frustration and heartache. He is such a sweet kid, but has so many obstacles that I was unprepared for and ill-equipped. We tried to figure out how our life together would thrive but things continued to spiral downhill. I finally realized after some changes made in my plans for YWAM along with a final episode of teenage tantrum, that I needed more support in order to continue taking care of Jake. After lots of prayer and tears and council I decided that I needed to leave YWAM and return to my hometown to have better support from family and friends. We left at the beginning of November for Tacoma, WA.
Since being in Washington I have struggled seriously with finding a place for Jake and I to live, then with finances, and finally a huge struggle has been that I have felt really isolated and alone. Instead of improving mine and Jake’s relationship and having more supportive people around us, the opposite happened… I had come to lose Jakes respect and any authority as well as had less support. I fell deeper into this pit and finally lost my hope for anything to turn out positive. I’ve been frustrated with God that he hasn’t seemed to make a way for me – and upset that I clearly missed something along the way to get myself into this spot.
The week before Christmas was my last with Jake. I came to my breaking point… Jake and I were able to calmly discuss what was happening. I had to help him understand that I couldn’t do this anymore – after several months of making it clear that things need to change if he was to stay with me. Jake’s dad ended up comforting me in the middle of my own melt down and needing someone to step in… He did and promised he would always be there for Jake and me. So Jake is now living with his dad in Idaho. My head knows that this was a good move for everyone involved… my heart is broken because I feel like I have lost a child and worse… totally failed him. I’m so sad and trying to figure out life all over again and how to deal with Jake’s absence and where I go from here…
I am trying to just take one step at a time… trying to be hopeful for a fresh start in 2014. I am sitting in a place of having no clue what the future holds and seriously doubting there are good things ahead. Which is of course a lie from the enemy, my head knows that but my heart is wandering around in the desert unsure-dry-lost. I feel myself stubbornly holding back – from… God I guess. I mean, I love Him… more than breath… but I think fear is standing in my way. Where, oh God, is your perfect Love? Where is your presence? Help me know it intimately again! Please, I need joy back in my soul, I can’t find any.