The thing that has me up late tonight is the lesson I learned. One I will continuously remind myself of… this year has really forced me to grapple with a tough question. For a long time I looked at the world and all the horrible injustice, violence, and hatred and I’ve said to God: “I want to believe you’re faithful, but where are you!?” This year I have witnessed more injustice than ever before- sometimes I lived it… Why didn’t resuscitation on this perfect little baby work? Why is this beautiful family starving? Why did that pregnant mother and her unborn baby die? Why do they walk in shame covered from head to toe?
I’m hanging on to God’s faithfulness for dear life, but truth be told I have been in a low spot these first weeks home- I’m trying to process this sense of loss. Sometimes I think about the babies we lost and I just cry or I think about the women who are even now laboring alone and scared, in the middle of the day when no one is around and for no reason my mind wanders there… I need to grieve the loss and respond with God’s heart. It is seriously a whirlwind to go from one way of life and suddenly change the pace, focus, conversation and all my surroundings. The excitement of being home is there especially in the smiles of the kids I’ve missed so much, but it still wears thin at times because I’m also feeling a sense of loss of the old way my life was. I am missing the constant community, the daily group worship and prayer, I desperately miss the hospital, I miss my own discipline for devotionals and prayer time. Most of these things I can replicate here at home, but getting into the rhythm is difficult. Not that it’s an acceptable excuse but being sick with Malaria at home was a set back and I see the ways the enemy wanted to use that time to make me feel isolated. Now that I’m strong and healthy I am struggling to take the first steps- to get out there… find a new normal for my life- work out my direction and purpose for this season. I think finally putting the words out there is my start. Today will be my new day, my fresh start.
Lord, I’m sorry for my laziness and apathy… no more, I turn away from that now and I will keep my eyes on you! Amen.