What are failed dreams...? Mine look like loss, shame, regret, confusion, weariness, and quitting.
For years I've lived by a particular code... or maybe some would call it a mission statement. Whatever the title, I felt secure in it- like it was my God ordained calling:
"I live to love God. And I build my experiences around reflecting that love to the "least of these"... people that are forgotten, unseen, unwanted, unloved. Because no one's suffering should happen alone or unnoticed. Because Jesus cares for me, I will care for others."
From that motivation I've been an ambassador of Christs love for people from all walks of life- many cultures with a variety of stories. But that all seemed to come to a screeching halt 10 months ago. I couldn't bear the weight of it anymore and I crashed face first into complete burnout.
I've spent the time since working on me... seeking healing and wholeness for my broken emotions. God has been incredibly faithful and every turn I take I see small victories. The chains have loosed and I'm feeling freer than ever. EXCEPT... my fear to dream. To believe that I can or should.
That fear is rooted from a lack of trust in God... and I hate that. I don't want it to be true. My head knows God only wants his best for me! But I hear the whispers over my shoulder... 'but wait that's risky, remember how hard you fell last time, do you really think you can handle the hard stuff again, you're still weak, nothing has changed, you have limits, stay in your comfort zone.'
Now, whose voice is that? Pesky coward piece of poo devil. I'm angry that I've listened for so long and allowed him to convince me to freeze up and keep my head down. No. More.
How do I dream with you Lord? Where can we go? What can we see together? Show me how to take a leap into your arms and trust you'll catch me! I need you to help me figure this out Jesus.. I don't want to be stuck anymore. Take a way my fear and reveal your true heart to me. Amen.