But there I go… I tend to focus too much on what I no longer have rather than the things I have gained in this transition. That is the problem. Plain and simple. So the solution should be just as easy but I have yet to find my fingers grasping its form securely. I know what form it is that my soul is thirsty for… but where do I find the One my heart loves? I’m grateful my experiences with Him have been deep and true, so that when I feel distant I can set my mind to rights- remembering He is with me despite my emotions or keen awareness of his presence.
I’m a woman that often measures her level of happiness partly on the relationships around her… its part of how I am made weather I use it a positive line is my prerogative… But here in this new season that I never asked for but am trying to take ownership of and find my foundation of faith to build on – it’s so damn difficult. I don’t have friends I can depend on or that I can share my hearts wanderings with or constant awareness through planned/organized worship and prayer.
I know I am stubborn – I think it’s one of my greatest qualities. I will fight for what I believe in and hope for. But in my current stubbornness all I want is what was. I need to find a way to let go and move toward what is and will be. I don’t want to take those steps holding preconceived ideas that it will be not good, a constant struggle, or terribly lonely. Instead I want to look ahead with expectancy in each new day, and gratitude for the possibilities, and a zest for doing everything with the utmost care-quality-attention to detail and JOY.
Jesus give me your JOY. Bring laughter into my life. Surround me with lots of loving people. Most of all stay close and remind me of your goodness. Amen.